Whatever got me through today....

Its been another normal day, nothing out of the ordinary or probably it was... I wasn't feeling whiny for not having done my usual share of talking. And right now as i sit down to write down this post, I reflect at the 20 years gone by, the mistakes committed, the regrets, the lil joys and the people who've come and left, the vicissitudes and fickleness of my heart and mind.

The absolute hideous craziness of holding on to my first crush for almost good five to seven years, where the flights of heart grounded only at him. I did not like what he got himself into after school, but even now his affability after so many years makes me smile. Life was simple back then, it was as innocent as it could ever get, the callousness was forgiven, the insouciance was reveled in. I've done absolute crazy things, followed my heart without thinking of the repercussions. Been absolutely irrational in the matters of the heart, and I don't regret any of it. They've made me.

Realised the importance of family in the long run, they make my day any day. That walk with Ma, when I am rambling on while she just goes on thinking. Dad's forever forgiving nature and his absolutely grandiose dreams for me. My lil sister, well words are a kill joy describing her.

Most often then not I end making too much of the importance of other people in my life. as if life would be prosaic without them, as if its going to be the end of all ends if they were to move out... And some have moved out and surprisingly life hasn't been bad at all. They were important till I made them matter to me, but their absence makes trifle of a difference now. Instead of the cribbing that I did in front of them, I learnt to hold all of it in and the stuffiness ain't that bad you know, only if u can shut it all up which so absolutely does not involve emotionally heart wrenching moments like you otherwise would have thought, moreover life moves on like they say. We are no androids, we have emotions, the pain will be inevitable but its on us how much we want it to call the shots in our lives.

And we should always be open to myriad experiences, the fear of the end will only rob us of what the richer life we could have otherwise led. Playing it safe does not guarantee that you can save the wade through dire straits, so live.

Don't know what's made me sermonise this much. But it definitely feels good after the rigmarole.  :)

Life's idiosyncracies...

well the night's been rough. The night's have been been rough for quite sometime. I had a night of confrontations with this friend of mine. I am happy for all the honesty I could muster up. I guess I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be handling it all. Life screws you real bad. All this while you think you are going for the right thing, doing everything right, and it screws you still. Life sickens me. The quest for material pursuits, the passive aggression I see in myself and in others to do each other out. Like money was going to give them all they ever wanted. Is my new jeans giving me happiness? no its not. Will a house with nobody to share your space make you happy? Probably the round the clock work will make you forget all these woes. But I doubt that.

I was always the play it safe sorts. In the bid to be different I went the beaten path, did engineering, now preparing my mba, went in for the safest choice on the menu, had the most conventional tastes in music, in movies, had crushes on guys who made wonderful friends, fell in love, but still the knot grew. The toil looks all so worthless now, the pursuit for happiness turned out to be the plunge into abyss. And I want to move away from all of this, the ephemeral happiness that brings you more sadness than the happiness. Do the memories made make it all worthwhile? Change is the only constant in life, change that completely throws you out of balance... Can you always prepare yourself for the eventual pain? No you can't... Dunno... For once I want pieces of my life to fall in place, i don't mind if the material bring in that lil happiness, the sense of achievement, been feeling like a loser for quite a long time. Loser in terms of everything. sigh. my ranting continues. I'll fix it all up. Life gives me no other option. just a lil tired out. I miss my school days. when I wasn't bothered by my flights of heart, had my head and heart in the right place. People took me for who I was, the need to be strong was never this tantamount to survival. I just want an end to college when everything ephemeral moves out. I just wrench everything out. Sometimes I wish I could suffer a stroke of amnesia and pull the blinds to a lot of memories, to people..

Till then I trudge along... Just need time away from all of this.. the phase to pass as soon as possible...

Ordinary...

well it finally knocks in... I am ordinary, pedestrian. For all my hubris, for my fools paradise. It now lies all ravaged. Life is nowhere. Frustrations seem to be cropping in now and then. And all the hardwork never seems to be enough. I know I won't strike gold but even bronze would do for me. I keep grappling with where i go wrong. especially with the Mock CATs that I sit for, I've never scored decently in them. And i see people enjoying life to the hilt and scoring a 90 percentile, when (at the cost of sounding pompous) I am any day better than them in maths and english. All of this just undermines my faith in all that I do. As if failure is a constant tag along. And any of the (hardly any) successes come with a catch. No hardly any companies coming along for campus placements for my department "environmental engg" (all frills and talk branch of engineering), a placement in life is a far cry. Its as if I am suspended in mid air, plunging ever so fast and hitting rock bottom is the ominous end. Hello Rock bottom!! Bottoms up, where are you?? :( Dooms day is inching in closer and anyday it'l be 'Apocalypse now'... 

Life sucks but I am no suckling infant. I've only be ranting in day in day out. I snap out at the minutest of things. My future looks like a dark alley, with I tottering for some direction along the walls. I don't know if I deserve this shit or probably I do. And I have my days when I want to go all reclusive with people not around me, without being bothered by the perfunctory, studying or reading through out the day. I've started to give up on my dream of becoming an author, because if I can't handle the everyday, how will i ever acheive the grand. Sigh. Like Bart says "Hi!! Life sucks as usual, Sucker" 

the pariah

Trapped, the box feels like home
Pretense only breeds hatred
The camaraderie only makes for photo frames.
The cloying smiles only nauseate

A schadenfreude's haven
and masquerade madness pandemic.
With superficialities all pervading

and sycophantic pirouttes dizzying.

The demi gods ascend to their throne

the lesser mortals eulogise

Do I supplicate?

She will be loved...

Been hearing to this MAroon5 number on the loop since last night after a really long time... the first time I heard it, it felt like it was the song of my life, except that i was not the beauty queen but surely had the broken smile... I always believed in love, of that one day coming when there'd be somebody who looked beyond the exterior because my looks were hardly a thing to boast about or probably it were... I was the damp squib with her atrocious sense of humour, with lil grey cells garnished here and there (frankly i think i have just dumbed down come college), with hideous sense of style (the ill fitting kurta hanging on my portly frame)... 

And there I was happy looking at others blooming flowering love lives... wishing aphrodite would come knocking one day...Like my friends put it i had a long list of crushes well i guess it was long but it were became more than a list for me... I had my looking london talking tokyo friendship... And I guess that was the toughest for me... And in came my anchor who pulled me out of a lot of depression.. I remember Ma not keeping well that time around, my god forsaken marks, (so called) friends disappearing into thin air, my article not coming out in a mag because of it getting scrapped just when my piece was to come out.. in short it was utter shit hole for me... not like it is any better now but its not the same either... here was this individual who heard my cribbing days on end, who still stuck through despite everything, we had our fights... well it was surprising for me, i was never really the belligerent sort, i guess you can only fight with your closed ones only when you know that despite everything the persons never going to leave you... 

And then there was my class trip to Rishikesh, it just changed my life for the better... Divine intervention so to say... it was nice to have found a friend who looked beyond the obvious, accepted me for which ever way i chose to be... no complains about my lame jokes, my ignorance, my level of intelligence never... and so it was one of the most beautiful friendship i found in college... and I really hope it stays that way in the long run... esp when college has just a year left to it... :( college sure has been an experience... 

"Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved"

Past continuous...

I've always found it tough to deal with my past or with the pasts of "you-know-who"... Holding on to it. Forgetting it is the present that matters. And why crucify anybody for their past, can it be helped now... But somewhere down I've been so incapable of handling the whole notion of past... Sometimes continuing to believe that others would love to have had things to have worked out in a different way than what their present is... Even though I might have moved on.. Working out the different permutations and combinations, what if they'd had things going would she still find herself in the same place? And why on earth do I go digging old buried remains, reading rereading mails, blog posts, chats and the works and expecting I'd take it in my stride and not get affected... The past can never really be full of happy memories... and the worst of all I've in many ways become a self confessed masochist, otherwise why the hell can't I just let go of things... Let things be... why hold people responsible for their choices in the past, why work on the 'what ifs' when they are no where there... Hoping I'd grow beyond it all... pull the blinds on certain aspects of it all... And probably just grow up a lil...

Empty...

Last night
a storm raged
and the trove of words
unhinged,
ravaged our world
Scalded us both
the wounds singed and bled.

Was this the love
we dreamt of,
was this the acrimony
we envisaged...

The beautiful memories
we once created now blur,
the jarring differences
now stare back
and I stare into the abyss..

The words of last night
still resound
in the lull that surrounds
since you've left.

Now an aeon has passed
since then
and each moment passes adagio,
the jarring door is all I look at.
Wishing you'd come through it
one day...

If only a sorry
could have saved my world,
If I could have
forgotten my being for once,

This void now eats me away
as I loose myself to the
milling crowd...

Now I bear no pain
now I know no past
Now I know no being
For I lost myself the last night...